AQAAZSAW Lifestyle magazine.


Hi everyone.

I want to start out by saying thank you for coming back to my ringede. I know that I have been neglectful in the last month or so, but with life and death ever present as one gets older, you don’t always have the time to dedicate yourself the to the things that you find simple pleasures in.

For me, one of those simple pleasures is found, oddly enough, in this blog. I don’t quite understand my fetish for gory movies, or zombies for that matter, but it exists, and this blog is my glorification of that fetish.

So that being said, I would like to get straight to the point of this post. That point being “how does one become a zombie?”

O sure, you are probably spouting the obvious right now, such as “Hey Numbnut - don’t let that undead person foaming at the mouth bite you!”

Or “Yo Dipshit! See that guy over there with his eyeballs hanging out of their socket and uttering gibberish? Don’t let him bite you!”

And of course there is the “Hey Assmunch! Pay attention and run from that staggering corpse ‘cuz even though he doesn’t move so fast, he will “F” you up!”

As stated in previous posts, knowledge is key to survival and when it comes to zombies, there is no such thing as too much knowledge.

hollyzombieYou see, I was watching Quarantine again now that it is out on DVD, and I realized that, besides the fact that there are a shitload of stupid people out there, that pretty much none of us are safe. Sure we have precautions against break ins and robberies; car jackers and muggers. But we have no precautions readily available when it comes to being faced with the zombie virus. Like the people in the movie Quarantine. Their guns and axes and brains did not help them.

But then again, they never believed zombies could exist. I guess none of them ever watched a horror movie because if they had, they would have known to shoot the drooling and bloody F’er’s in the head on the first shot! And that shot isn’t just for zombies, ya know. Shooting any enemy in the head (the brain more specifically) is also a good way to stop psychotic deformed mutants with machetes. No need to wind up being lunch because you felt the need to shoot them in the leg or arm or something equally stupid. Come on people, use your brains for something other than a meal!

So let’s take a look at the origin of the zombies, shall we? And since Hollywood loves to exploit how these nuisances come to be, let’s focus on the three most popular ways:

THE VOODOO ZOMBIE voodoo19With origins in Haiti and Africa, it is believed that a voodoo sorcerer (or a bokor) can create two types of zombies with the use of toxic powders being forced into their blood stream:

  1. A Living Zombie: this guy poses no real threat on others as they are not contagious and tend not to have a desire to eat human flesh. This “Living Zombie” if you will, is merely a breathing person under the spell of the toxic powders, and can actually be cured. The only problem is that the bokor can control the living zombies to act out their evil commands. Not nice, but not entirely intimidating (think White Zombie with Bela Lugosi.)

  2. An Undead Zombie: in this case, the bokor will use black magic to raise the dead. Now these zombies are what you would expect: shambling corpses with intense desire to eat living flesh thereby creating new zombies from those they bite. These are the types of zombies I expect. These are the types of zombies you as living breathing people need to be prepared to annihilate. (Think 1941’s King of the Zombies.)

THE “VIRUS” ZOMBIE There are two main types of this zombie as well. The “man-made” bio-zombie, and the zombie that results from some natural virus. A virus like much like herpes, or rabies, but worse. Worse in that there is nothing, no cream nor pill nor shot, that will help you live a normal life. Once you acquire the zombie virus and experience firsthand the attack of the munchies, you are doomed. History. Finished.

Let’s break them down for easy comprehension:

  1. Man-made “Bio” Zombies: Typically man made zombies begins with some sort of genetic engineering, usually at the hands of some covert operation under strict and hushed orders of the military or some sort of government agency, that is “enhancing” humans for the sole purpose of creating a superior being that will kick ass when needed, be it for war, or simply some mad scientist with an agenda to take over the world, one town at time.

biohazardYou will find that this type of man-made zombie is not always portrayed as being a shambling eater of the flesh. Instead, they use their zombie transforming bite to convert the living “enemy” into their undead partner in crime. You will also find there is often a hierarchy of rule with this type of zombie, where there is one “smart” killer calling the shots, such as found in the movie I Am Legend, where the zombies were created from a discovered cure of cancer.

Then of course there are the Zombies that can be the result of toxic waste (one of my favorites being Troma’s Class of Nuke’Em High) and post-Nuclear debris, although unintentional, still the result of man-made “error.”

  1. Natural Born Zombies: Here we have zombies that are the result of a natural occurrence, rather than something occurring due to man’s intervention. Such as rabies, as in Quarantine; or as with the “Solanum” virus in Max Brook’s very informative book World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, which began with it’s initial outbreak in China, then spread globally. This kind of zombie freaks me out the most as the reality of their creation is a little more believable. Let’s face it, rabies is alive and running rampant in today’s world, so to play on it’s detrimental effects in society has merit.

These zombies of course, are your more traditional undead, and tend to be sluggish, drooling and rather stupid, flesh eating ghouls.

ALIEN ZOMBIES There are several primo examples of alien zombies, but two in particular come to mind: Night of the Creeps, and Slither. I am especially fond of this type as they tend to stem from some sort of alien bug and if you know anything at all about me, it’s that I love bug movies. Mix the bugs with zombies and that spells BONUS!

bullseyeThis particular “story” line for a movie is easy to cheese out on however, as you’ll find writers do not feel the need to explain much, leaving all questions to the vast realm of the “alien unknown.” Plus I am not a big believer in alien annihilation. I do, however, fear a zombie apocalypse looms near, and I am not referring to the Quisling Zombie’s Max Brooks writes of either. All those people are just wanna-be zombie’s who glorify the condition with Zombie Walks and parades in the same manner as gay pride. Well I have news for these people - being gay is OK - being a zombie would SUCK!

So in conclusion, I would like to remind everyone of the importance of using your brains for something other than a meal. Remember - and say it with me now - knowledge is key, and the one piece of knowledge I want you to take from this post is to aim for their head. I would advise that you practice so as not to miss, though. You will need each and every one of your bullets, regardless of the type of zombie you are fighting for your life with. And if in doubt, shoot first. Your gut instinct won’t let you down. Usually. Just don’t say you weren’t warned or informed.

See you on the battlefield.